have you told your loved ones how you feel about them today?

i dream a lot. it is kinda freaky... i hate my nightmares coz they are just so intensely graphic. like i have woken up screaming ( gasping for air and my heart pounding 100 miles an hour) from the sense of smelling flesh in a horrific accident scene. It usually traumatizes me for a day or two as i remember everything in such great detail. it is quite violent... well, bad enough to scare my little dogie away. She really likes to be cuddled but once i found her hiding in the closet... i think she must have been really scared.
i really want to tell someone about them. i am gonna write them here. i hope you don't mind... but they are rather graphic so i thought i would write a word of warning.

The most recent one (like last night) is about a fellow in my bible study class... i think he likes me (and i like him too but i am just way too embarrassed to tell him)

i can see all the sign are there. he listens to me and seems to show a lot of interest in my life. i find him to be a rather shy gentleman (and geeky!). the type that don't look at you very often at the beginning... Actually when i first met him i was quiet offended by the concept of him looking down at the dinner table the whole time. i really thought he hated me...

but then things started to change. our eyes met. he is not the type that i usually go for... but i just could stare in those eyes forever. His stare paralyzes me.

i always wanted to tell him that.

i have been wondering when i am gonna get a chance as there hasn't been a one and one date and all of our meetings have been with other groups of people.

last night i had this horrible dream that he was killed instantly in a fiery crash and that there was nothing left of him.

His family (i have never met them in real life) had come to see me... it was odd because no one knows of this secret crush. it has been two month since he had passed away in that car crash and i had never known (he goes to a different church).

they had been going through their son's personal belongings and there was something with my name written on it in his room.

it was a bible. but it had an empty chapter in the beginning. he had asked me to write the first chapter of that bible. He had asked me to write the first chapter and wanted to live by my words.

i was shattered knowing that he had been dead for a while and i never got to go to his funeral.

and worst of all, i was so shattered that he never got to hear what i wanted to tell him.

i wanted to tell him that every time he looked at me, i felt like that i drowning in his big beautiful blue eyes... and i wanted to tell him how much i wanted that moment to last forever...

i woke up next and then there was this immense feeling of sadness.

have you told your loved ones how you feel about them today?

wondering

i feel weird after my therapy session. i feel like i have been shaken to the core.
what is going on?
i am not my usual self...
i wonder if any one else feels that way too?

pride!

i spoke in my therapy session the other day...
ha! fancy that!

lost

i woke up one day and i didn't recognise myself in the mirror... i looked hard, really hard. i tried to find that sparkle in my eyes.
it wasn't just my physical appearance. my weight had tripled since i had started taking those new generation anti psychotics. but it was something else. i had become this submissive, a quiet piece of rotting flesh that had lost her entire sense of being. you could do anything you wanted to me... i never forget the day i was groped by this tiny little Asian dude in the lift...
i thanked him... and then i kindly told him, no i didn't want it.
i had no dignity left

it makes me cry remembering all this...

hate

i really hate my obsessive thoughts. i think it make my face hurt.
i think of stuff that i really don't want to think about and i really get exhausted afterwards. i really hate this.
i get to watch the t.v shows that i don't even want to watch and eat foods that i really hate eating.
this really sucks.
i wish they (the thoughts) would leave me alone.

ranting

i really don't want to get off the wrong foot with my GP. I think since my new diagnosis, his attitude towards me has kind of changed. Here is how it was before: there was this was this sorry little nut job who went against all medical advice and stopped taking anti psychotics...
the nut job deserved to be treated with EXTREME caution and suspicion... after all she was nothing but a lying manipulative little bitch that some how managed to slip through the drug monitoring system and fool her poor old psychiatrist.
the nut job took full responsibility for her dishonesty and was made to promise (pretty much like a little five year old child) to take her medication if needed. Nothing she ever said was taken seriously (it is all in your head... it will all go away if you agree to take the anti psychotics, said the old shrink with that defiant smirk, sitting behind his desk).
but then, after years of abuse, the tables suddenly turned:

She was wrongly diagnosed and forced (and i mean it by forced) to take the anti psychotic drugs... the whole library of them: typical, atypical, old generation, new generation, etc... you name it. This little old guinea pig swallowed the lot... (trial and error, isn't it what they say?)

I just hope that my GP could swallow his pride one day and instead of insisting that i am on the right treatment, refer me to a neurologist so i could ask more question about my new diagnosis.

thanks for reading and sorry for being so overly pessimistic. i have just had it with this entire merry go round (mental health professional my foot!)

for him

for my beautiful nephew,
i love you so much darling.
i am gonna be there on your birthday...
even though i know that i am not really welcome there by your parents.
all my love,
your aunt
xxoo